Hilarious Reviews People Posted Online
Thanks to the internet, online reviews have become something like gospel. Without ever having to step a food outside of your home, you can learn more about humanity than you’d ever like to know. From the good to the bad, we guarantee that a 5-minute peruse through Yelp will have you laughing about the strange people on this planet, questioning everything you know, and giving second thoughts to your local favorites. Take a look below at just a few of the insane business reviews that you can find on the internet. For better or for worse, we have a feeling that you’ll want to check out the businesses featured in our list – or avoid them entirely.
These are the wildest reviews we’ve ever read!
I’m Giving Up My Dreams for This
What would make you give up on your dreams? For many of us, obstacles like hitting a plateau, self-doubt or running out of resources. Larry H. of San Francisco, California, faced the opposite problem. He had too much of a good thing. The delicious food at his much-loved restaurant made his butt “spread like rumors!” (We wish we could make this stuff up).
Going hard with delicious food wouldn’t be a big deal if Larry didn’t want to make a career based on his body. But there’s no way he can reach his goal of becoming a swimsuit model with all of this amazing food, he says. We feel for you, Larry.
A Little Too Much Information…
A helpful Yelp review can make all of the difference. When you’re on the fence about which Italian restaurant you should try out, Yelp can give you the answers. You can discover more about the food, the customer service, and the experience as a whole. But where is the line drawn between a helpful review and too much information?
We think we’ve found the answer with a little help from Eric. He visited a restaurant with his girlfriend and gave it two stars. The restaurant and the taste of the food were stellar, but the effects of the meal on his girlfriend were not. According to him, she got the runs right after they got into the car. We’d have been better off not knowing that!
In Light of Recent Events
We respect a reviewer who modifies their opinions when a business’s level of service or product quality changes. If a restaurant’s renowned dish has turned into a culinary failure, the world has the right to know. Same for a local lawyer who’s just lost her touch, or a transportation service that’s been getting just a little too close to pedestrians.
In this instance, this Yelp reviewer was sitting on the bus when they encountered a small hiccup that led to a change in their opinion of the company. It wasn’t anything major. The last bus they were on ran over 2 pedestrians and kept driving. Three stars for keeping everyone on time, but minus one star for each casualty.
We Get It, You Hate This Place
Alright, alright, alright. We get it. This Yelp reviewer tried to infuse his review with some failed sarcasm, but he ended up just sounding cringey. Here’s how it went down: he says that he showed up at an Italian restaurant and tried to order Mexican food, but they didn’t let him. How disrespectful!
He chose not to walk to the nearby restaurant because “that would have prevented me from posting my totally unqualified opinions onto Yelp about this place.” What a shame. This guy clearly has nothing better to do than make up a story about the waitstaff farting in his face and a minotaur escapade in the bathroom. We know for a fact this dude has the most boring life ever.
Finding the Good in Everything
Some Yelp reviewers really let businesses have it, but not Alexandria B. Although she was in a situation that anyone would have been afraid to experience, she was still able to find something positive to say. Like most of us, Alexandria has the perfectly normal fear of using a public restroom without locks.
Who wouldn’t be afraid of having someone open the door while we were in the middle of a long pee stream? To make matters worse, the Third Degree Glass Factory’s “toilet paper” (that might as well have been tissue paper) was not nearly thick enough for a proper clean-up. But always the optimist, Alexandria gave a four out of five-star review for quality bathroom sink craftsmanship.
At Least Let Me Clean Up My Mess!
No one’s perfect. Doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance? It’s too bad that a local guide and avid Yelp reviewer never got one after attempting to shoplift from a restaurant. It started slowly: First, they took a large container of hot soup and put it into his backpack. But it all went downhill from there.
The soup spilled all over the contents of the backpack. When the guide tried to make up for the lost food with a whole chicken and macaroni salad, the boss man caught them and kicked them out. They didn’t even get a chance to clean up the bag in the bathroom! That is the definition of rude, especially considering how hungry they were.
Why Are You Such an Animal?
We occasionally experience service that’s so barbaric that we wonder if we’re engaging with a literal animal. Other times, we may not want to admit that we’re the ones that are acting out of control. Let’s break down this Yelp review involving one of Einstein’s classic treats and you can decide for yourself.
Oh, before we go any further, this customer favorite is designed for canines only. Unfortunately, this reviewer did not get the memo. After buying a mini bagel that was made for dogs and taking a large bite, they soon realized that it was not edible for a human and were enraged with the cashier. She said that she assumed they had bought it for their pet. Who’s at fault here?
John Just Wants His Chicken Tenders
John has had a hard life. His mother disowned him, and his father is simply a traitor. He has also been the unfortunate victim of bullying. John has been a regular at the Hillstone restaurant for years because they give him the respect he never got from his parents. And all he wants are his chicken tenders.
It’s too bad that on the fateful day that John left this review, all of his good experiences at Hillstone were ruined by some terrible chicken. He enjoyed some decent steak, even classifying it as a 10/10 experience. Except for the chicken tenders. He just wants his chicken tenders. R.I.P. to a quality chicken tender and John’s respect. You will be missed.
Good Vibes and Good Beats
What sets the good reviews apart from the bad? Entertainment value, of course! We don’t know about you, but we’re sick of reading people complain about perfectly good pizza places when they can’t even tell the difference between ‘you’re’ and ‘your’. It was refreshing to not only find a positive review but also one that was delivered in a way that tickled our funny bones.
Reviewer Fox E. made us chuckle with his unique review of the Pinocchio pizza parlor in Boston. There’s no doubt that his rhymes would appeal to both the young crowd looking for a good deal and the area’s high-rollers. Everyone’s happy!
The Professional Thing To Do
To make it in their industry, hairstylists have to be experts in much more than just giving you a fresh cut. They also need to be your friend, therapist, and confidant all in one while maintaining the professional relationship that you enjoy. This Yelp review gives a major shoutout to hairstylist Henry when he went above and beyond for his client.
The client, who shall not be named, put Henry’s skills to the test when he let a large and smelly fart rip from the hairdresser’s chair. Henry, always the professional, used his blow dryer to prevent the stench from overtaking them both by aiming it at the client’s crotch. In the meantime, he pretended to be engrossed in the TV to save his client from embarrassment. Respect.
Let’s Go Back to the Good Old Days
Let’s return to the good old days when there wasn’t social media, crazy inflation, or Covid-19. When everything seemed possible and the world seemed limitless. When this reviewer’s favorite liquor store was still open, selling solid deals on malts and offering drug paraphernalia disguised as other items. You could buy bottles of any liquor you pleased without any judgment, whether it was 10:00 in the morning or 10:00 at night.
Now that it’s burned down, there’s a large fence around this lovely local favorite. No one can go inside anymore, and the indifferent staff is nowhere to be found. This reviewer, along with the rest of the area will now have to drive across town to get their daily fix. Nothing will ever be the same, and for that he gives this place one star.
It’s Not So Bad Behind Bars
Prison always gets a bad rap: no free time, nowhere to meet high-quality people, and poor work opportunities. But people always seem to forget that prison meets all of your basic needs and more. Leave it to Jason L. from East Bay, California, to remind us of all that prison has to offer. With 31 check-ins at Alameda County Santa Rita Jail, he’s definitely an authority on the subject.
Jason hits us with a solid first argument. You don’t even need a ride to get here. Talk about hospitality. The jail will pick you up free of charge and may even escort you from your own home with no extra fees. We’d also like to add that all of your food, clothing, and housing are paid for. According to him, it’s not so bad behind bars.
We All Scream for Ice Cream
Ice cream is non-negotiable. When you saw the ice cream truck on the street as a kid, you were willing to raise hell until you got a sweet scoop of vanilla. And that doesn’t change when you become an adult. Whether you’re an analyst sitting at your desk typing up a report or you’re a sous chef whipping up a meal in a taco restaurant, you deserve to drop what you’re doing and get a cone of your favorite flavor when you see the truck go by.
The kitchen staff at Taco Santo had their priorities straight when they ran outside of the restaurant to get their icy-cool treats. 10 minutes later they returned with their ice cream, to the dismay of customer Ross F. No offense Ross, but the one-star review was a little harsh. We don’t think you’d be as offended if you had gotten some mint chocolate chip action.
Love’s Complicated, Food Shouldn’t Be
We can all remember being involved in a casual fling when things get awkward. You care enough about the person that you won’t ditch them in the case of an emergency, but you’re not close enough that you’ll go to the vet with them when their pet rabbit accidentally eats the pot in your apartment.
So what’s left to do? You’re nice, so you’ll hang around, but you’re by no means going to stand by with a blitzed rabbit. You’re definitely not going to hold her hand or anything. You might as well hit up the Latin American restaurant next door to fill up on some cheap rice and beans.
Perfect Place for the Kids
When we have a lot of errands to run on a Saturday afternoon, we’ll bring our kids along for the day and make the most of it. It can be fun to visit our local favorites with the little ones, especially when they can get in on the fun, too. How cute is it to stop by your regular nail salon where the staff lets your kids sit in the pedicure chairs?
Mike from Albuquerque didn’t have quite an endearing experience like this when he went to his local salon for a wax. After the new ownership took over, there were terrible hours, terrible customer service, and fighting between the staff members! Not a place you want to bring your kids. It also may be worth mentioning that the place smelled like meth…
There’s Nothing Sexy About This
We’ve all made some less-than-sexy decisions when drunk. Maybe we said something to our best friend that was pretty harsh, we left a cringeworthy voicemail to our ex, or we decided to down yet another tequila shot only to puke it up on your shirt and in a dingy bar toilet a few minutes later. That’s not sexy.
Bruce W. was just looking to enjoy some drunk pizza from Denver’s Sexy Pizza restaurant. Not only was the pizza nowhere near sexy, but neither were the prices. Bruce says that he was overcharged because he was drunk. Ripping someone off? Not sexy at all.
Ascending into the Mexican Food Heaven
Everyone has that one restaurant that can cure all evils. Whether there was a bad day at work or you received some seriously bad news, stopping at your favorite local spot is enough to make you thank God for all the wonders in your life. The food may be so glorious that it deserves special recognition in the form of a prayer.
If the thought of your go-to eatery makes you want to bow down and praise the food lords, you should look at this review’s holy blessing for his local Mexican food restaurant. The food was so good that he ascended to the heaven of the almighty Torta and Tacos, sat next to Green Salsa the Spicy, and admired the sacred sweetness of onions. Amen.
This Reviewer Is Out for Blood
Taylor G. did not come out to play when she left a review for LA’s Bar 107. One star was simply not low enough to communicate her disappointment with the way she was treated. Even though she lived across the street and had become a regular, the bouncers — who are worthless human beings, by the way — denied her for no reason. Her words, not ours.
It’s not a far stretch to say that Taylor’s out for blood, especially after she encountered literal blood during a night out at this bar. She has a vivid memory of a rat running around the bar and being killed by a bar stool. Nothing like rat blood on the floor to add to the good vibe.
Nothing Stings Worse Than Poor Service
Victoria W. decided to try out an appetizer at the Chateau Marmont in Hollywood, California, only to have the beginning of her meal interrupted by an unfriendly discovery. Noticing something weird in her heirloom tomato and buffalo dish, she flipped it over to find that an entire wasp was on her plate! Despite her shock and disgust, no waiter gave her any attention until 10 minutes later.
When she finally did have someone come over to investigate, the response included a laugh but no apology. Victoria’s friend took the situation up a notch by letting the head host know. No one working at the restaurant seemed able to care or explain what happened. That stings.
BS: Coincidence? We Think Not
Some things are just too good to be a coincidence. Case in point: The initials of the Black Sheep restaurant. Not only does BS spell out the name of this less-than-satisfactory establishment, but it’s also shorthand for the word that most accurately describes the experience it gives to its customers. That seems like a warning from above.
Sit down in this joint and you’ll be greeted by terrible blasting music that is sure to leave ringing in your ears. Make your money do as little as possible by ordering the burger that’s small enough to eat in one bite, no fries included. On the side, enjoy your 12oz beer that is so overpriced that any reasonable restaurant would give you a full pint for the same amount. Cheers!
I Didn’t Even Have Time to Grab My CrossBow
This is not the most helpful review for determining how good a restaurant is, but it’s certainly one of the most perplexing. This reviewer gives major crackhead energy. Upon finding too much crust on their pizza, they decided they would stir up some trouble by starting a small fire in the bathroom.
The poor schmuck was promptly asked to leave the restaurant and didn’t even have a spare second to pick up their crossbow from their booth. We have no doubt that this crossbow has ended the life of numerous small animals. There’s one happy ending to this bewildering story. You know you’re safe to eat your pizza in peace at Carmine’s.
Not So Much Gratitude Here
With a name like Cafe Gratitude, you’d expect this place to give its customers a positive experience. But take it from Gigi: this cafe gives its customers nothing to be thankful for. The staff at this Los Angeles cafe is apparently so inattentive that it makes the perfect job for anyone who’s looking to get paid to do nothing and has no compassion, according to this reviewer.
We’ll acknowledge that Gigi isn’t the easiest to please (what non-snobby person uses the phrase “self-absorbed hipsters”). She may be dramatic, but she’s not wrong. If you’re going to include a word as promising as gratitude in your cafe’s name, your customers better be leaving happy.
We’re Impressed With the Word Choice
When you’re creative, you understand the importance of practicing your craft as much as possible. Starving artist? Not after you master to paint every single surface in your home and spend night after night filling your sketchbook. Aspiring writer? You’re not going to make it unless you use your linguistic toolbox everywhere: in your work emails, venting in your journal, and yes, in your Yelp reviews.
This Yelp reviewer and soon-to-be besting author is clearly going somewhere. Instead of merely complaining that the Pub & Grill restaurant in Rancho Cucamonga, CA, sucks, he gives this place a memorable punch to the gut. It sucks big, hairy, itchy, oily, stinky balls! Way to go, Mike H.
Getting Out of a Hairy Situation
Real D. is not the kind of person to put a bad reputation on someone’s name, but he had finally had enough. The situation at Nizam of India was getting too hairy to ignore. Every time he ordered food from this restaurant, he always found a long piece of white-silver hair in his meal. The first time it happened, he let it go. Mistakes happen after all.
But when it happened again, Real decided to go on a six-month-long boycott, hopeful that Nizam would change its ways. His third experience at this restaurant was just the same as the first two. A long, white-silver hair was present in his Lamb Berra Masala. Now we’re curious, this can’t be a coincidence.
The Customer With No Taste
With Covid-19 in full swing, many of us were doubting our taste buds for a few years. Was that poorly prepared meal truly tasteless or were we just discovered that the virus was taking over our immune system? One Yelp reviewer had this exact dilemma when he visited his local gelato joint.
He realized that it was the gelato, but he still went back to the shop to give it another chance. He ultimately understood that the dessert would never change, no matter how much he hoped it would. Most importantly, he taught us an important lesson: Know your worth. Never settle for gelato that doesn’t make you feel happy and fulfilled.
Too Good To Be True
Sometimes people just want to go about their everyday lives unbothered. For Gerrick, it seems like he wasn’t trying to have any type of interaction with anyone. All he wanted was to sit down and eat without hassle. Yet upon entering the restaurant his experience was so pleasant he had to… leave?
Five-star service yet a one-star review? Some may be shocked, but we look at it as pure genius. What a great way to make sure there’s some positivity on the negative side of this establishment’s yelp reviews. Whether he’ll be going back or not, he’s definitely convinced others this is a place worth trying!
A Review Full of Wisdom (Teeth)
Oral surgeons need love, too. Eboni F. From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, made sure to give credit where credit was due: to the man who removed her wisdom teeth. If you’re on the market for a new surgeon, you’ll be interested in Eboni’s experience. Dr. Funt handled her situation “like a boss” with humor and skill. It takes a special kind of person to rip wisdom teeth from your mouth.
In case you’re dying to know more, Eboni has positive reports about the front desk, too. Like Dr. Funt, they were pleasant and efficient. The review wouldn’t be complete without Eboni including an image of her bloody wisdom teeth post-op. We wish both her and ourselves a speedy recovery since we’ll need some time to forget that picture.
If Getting Married Wasn’t Difficult Enough
After the initial excitement of an engagement wears off, reality sets in. You now have less than a year (or even just a few months!) to plan a major event that will cost thousands of dollars and host hundreds of people. To make things easier, you look for ways that you can minimize the amount of work you have to do, like setting up a wedding registry that people can navigate themselves or hiring a wedding planner to take care of some of the details.
One thing you should never do, according to Yelp reviewer Nick S., is even to consider using the website TheKnot.com. You will not only ruin your wedding, but you will ruin your life. Say goodbye to the cherished relationships you have with your loved ones and hello to the worst website of all time.
The Fiesta Inn: A Horror Story
Staying at the Fiesta is anything but a party, reports Yelp reviewer Laura M. It’s closer to a life-and-death experience. Let’s start with the atmosphere: The sound of domestic disputes, screaming children, and police sirens will keep you awake all night and fearing for your sanity. It’s not like you can cuddle up in your bed and hope to sleep it off either, because your sheets will be covered in blood and your comforter will be full of slashes.
It wouldn’t be surprising if a dead body were in each room’s couch cushions. That’s how bad the hotel smells. And a dead body isn’t the only thing that’s accompanying you in your room: You’ll also be surrounded by roaches and bed bugs. We’re just glad that Laura made it out alive, albeit with no refund.
A Love Letter to Sushi
Breakups are hard. There’s no easy way to accept that you’ll never see the person you gave your heart to again. We think it’s even worse when you have to end a relationship with someone you never envisioned or considered saying goodbye to in the first place: Your favorite sushi restaurant. And as Michael T. knows better than anyone, a few positive experiences at a restaurant can quickly turn into the most real kind of love.
Michael realized that his life would never be the same again without Minato sushi restaurant, and he could never have predicted that their relationship wouldn’t have a sufficient foundation to survive after the restaurant’s big move. Sometimes love isn’t enough.