Funny Parenting Tweets
Parenting isn’t easy. Nothing can prepare you for raising another human being. Throw in twins or more kids and things get even more chaotic. Regardless of how many books you’ve read or blogs you follow, you’re never really ready to bring another person into the world. And you can’t just walk away. Instead, you’ve gotta grin and bear it.
Oh, and taking to Twitter to vent is a great form of therapy, too. Not all parents are funny, but a lot of them are relatable. Make sure the kids brush their teeth before bed. Get them tucked in. All good? Awesome.
Now sneak out into the living room and treat yourself to some hilarious parenting tweets.
That Was A Declaration Of War
The best part of hanging out with other people’s kids is that they don’t come home with you at the end of the visit. You get all the fun benefits of “parenting” without any of the actual work. It’s even better when you’re watching the kid of someone you don’t particularly like. How does that happen? We’re not sure. Just bear with us. Your rival’s kids (probably) didn’t do anything to ever annoy you.
However, if you want to really drive home a prank, give them something to drive their parents insane. The smaller and more numerous the pieces the better. That way, you’re still seen as “fun” by the kid, but you’ll never be bothered to watch them again! Win-win!
You Don’t Like Scavenger Hunts?
When you have children you learn to see the world through a different lens. Things we normally wouldn’t put on a shelf immediately become trophies. Items that don’t usually require refrigeration are suddenly put in the crisper. Sure, this can get annoying. However, most of the time, it’s not done maliciously. Kids just don’t know better. That or they do and they just don’t care.
Maybe putting a volleyball in the fridge is a sports thing. Perhaps that’s what they’re being taught in school these days. If they can reinvent math then they surely can give sports a makeover. We just don’t understand WHY. However, maybe the kids don’t know why they did this either.
They’re Like Tiny Little Managers
Milk & cereal is a classic breakfast. That doesn’t mean everyone shares the love for this soupy morning meal. Some kids have the common sense to know that milk and cereal are best on their own and should never be combined. That doesn’t mean they can explain their reasoning to their parents. What makes sense in their heads comes out as confusing nonsense from their mouths.
Logically, it makes sense to just pour the milk out of the bowl. Logistically, the execution could be done a bit better. They don’t know any better. This is where parents need to tap into their secret psychic powers and get to mind reading.
Be More Specific About Chores
As a kid, chores weren’t that fun. As an adult, they’re even less fun and there’s no allowance given if you do a passable job. Most of the time we cleaned up because we had to. We didn’t necessarily know why we were doing certain things, but we did as we were told. Why? Well, the grown-ups told us to. It didn’t matter if the chores made no sense.
A few kids out there even took things SUPER literally. Unload the dishwasher? Sure! Was it done cleaning? Nope. That wasn’t our problem to solve. We were just there to empty all those dishes and put them where they belong. To this day we still don’t get why we got in trouble for this one.
Is Your Family Condoning Cannibalism?
It can be tricky to explain to kids (and some adults) where babies come from. Trying to wrap their heads around being inside someone else’s tummy is weird. We don’t blame them for asking questions and getting confused. Sometimes their reactions to our answers are a bit dramatic. Nobody is saying this parent ate their kiddo. Nobody is saying that didn’t happen either.
Common sense usually dictates what the real answer is. However, you have to remember something: kids don’t have a lot of that. Common sense is a lofty goal for a three-year-old. They have FOMO when their parents go to the bathroom alone. Don’t give them an existential crisis over where they came from.
These Entrepreneurs Get Younger And Younger
Halloween is better than Christmas. There, we said it. Come at us. Ask any kid which they prefer and there’s always going to be a huge group who love knocking on strangers’ doors for candy. Santa can’t bring that experience to your house. You have to dress up and do it yourself. It’s also a holiday that separates the causal trick or treaters from the hardcore business moguls.
Trading and bartering with candy is an intro class to real-world business. Some crafty kiddos even manage to make a cute buck with their hauls. This parent’s kid went above and beyond. Instead of making a dollar or two, they created a candy empire!
A Real Crime Duo Would Communicate Better
Raising a family with another person can be helpful and exhausting. You have to combine your morals with someone else. Plus, you have to make sure the new human you made survives. That’s a lot of work. That’s why, when the fun decisions come around, it pays to include your partner. For instance: what do you let your kid do with all the Halloween candy they collected?
You can’t let them eat all of it! Only the dentist thinks that’s a great idea. Instead, why not sneak a snack or ten? Just don’t exclude your partner! If you do, then they’ll probably snitch to your kid about what happened!
Always Go Over The Guest List
Planning a wedding takes a lot of work. There are way too many details to keep track of and the wedding planner never does it just right. One of the most stressful things about your big day isn’t the dress. It’s not the food. It’s not even whether the rabbi or pastor gets there on time. Weddings are all about the guest list. Guess what? Not everyone makes the cut.
Some events don’t allow kids to be there at all. This kiddo thought that meant them, too! Unfortunately, it’s harder to explain that you were married before they existed than just saying they weren’t invited. Most kids can barely process missing a party, let alone not being alive before one started.
Why Are You Complaining, Susie?
Kids are brutally honest. It’s both a blessing and a predicament every time they open their mouths. Why? Well, we should all be told the truth. Though it’s not always the nicest thing to hear. Plus, when a youngster lets you know what’s on their mind, they describe it in the weirdest ways possible. Telling someone they smell like a department store doesn’t sound nice.
Telling someone they smell like the fancy, perfumey, part of a respected department store is sweet. Sure, it may be a confusing way of telling someone they smell good, but it still has heart. Any nice comment is a good comment. It’s not exactly the most expected compliment, but we’ll take it.
Their Palates Change Pretty Quickly
Who here has dealt with a picky eater? Who here is a picky eater themselves? Yeah, just what we thought. Pickiness is fine. Everyone has their own likes and dislikes. As we get older, these things stabilize and we figure out what we do and don’t like. Kids aren’t like this. Their tastes and cravings change with the wind. The trouble is, they themselves don’t even know what they want.
By the time they’ve asked for a snack, they’ve already decided they can’t stand the taste. This can even happen during dinner with their FAVORITE MEAL! Who knows what’s actually going on in their heads? It surely isn’t chewing, because they spit food out quicker than anyone we know. Ten minutes later they’ll gobble it back down, too.
Self-Control Is A Learned Power
Pizza is love. Pizza is life. It’s never done anything to hurt us (aside from indigestion). From a young age, we grew up knowing that whenever pizza was available we should take a slice. It’s almost as important as air, water, and the occasional video game break. Kids are aware of this and will take a slice without a second thought. Adults are the exact opposite.
Somewhere during our time as parents, we decide to forgo the free pizza at parties. No matter how badly we want it we just have to say no. It has nothing to do with our health. We just know kids don’t wash their hands and want to touch EVERYTHING on a table. Okay, so maybe it is for our health.
The Transformation Is Almost Complete
Look, parents are fun and all, but grandparents are where the party’s at. They spoiled us rotten. Trips to the movies, staying up late, cookies, we had it all. One of the biggest perks of having grandparents around is that there’s never a shortage of hard candy. Strawberry or butterscotch flavored, it doesn’t matter, they’re always available. While it’s not hard to find these candies in stores, it’s tough to pick them up in the never-ending quantities grandma had.
Maybe once parents reach grandparent age a portal appears in their pockets. This portal just manifests candy at the will of whatever child’s around! That’s the only possible explanation, right? Someone bring us our bag to see if there’s candy in there, please.
Espresso Is Everyone’s Best Friend
You’re never 100% prepared to be a parent. No amount of books, websites, or even advice from others can get you ready to raise another human being. There’s just some sort of gap between studying something and applying it to a kid’s life that can’t be filled. One of the biggest pieces of advice most parents throw around to everyone, parent or not, is how precious sleep actually is.
Yes, your kids need their downtime. Well, guess what? SO DO YOU! While it’s tough to grab a nap, some people power through without one for eighteen years. Yeah, welcome to parenthood. There’s no pillow available, but you’ll figure out a way to get comfy. Have fun!
Please Don’t Google Those Symptoms
Inspiration can come from anywhere. Even the weirdest most mundane sounds can remind us of something out of nowhere! When it happens to adults we consider it a eureka moment. When it happens to kids we get terrified. Why does it strike fear into the hearts of parents? Probably because kids shouldn’t announce that their butts sound like instant coffee machines.
Also, how long has that been going on? It could be nothing or it could be serious. We don’t know because nobody told us! At least this kiddo doesn’t sound too concerned with what’s going on. Thankfully, the parent does. Just know you’re not alone.
Is It Gonna Be Toothpaste Flavored?
Some things never taste as good as the original. Grape flavoring is one of those things. Some people like artificial flavoring more than the real thing. Gross. Some people take it even further and PREFER it to the natural taste. Then there’s a super special group that loves anything artificial, even when you can only get a certain flavor from the dentist.
Those are the ones with the weirdest likes and dislikes. They’re also known as children. Once they taste something they like then it instantly becomes their new favorite thing. If you’re not careful, they’ll ask for it to be featured at their birthday party.
Adults Don’t Even Know This One
Sometimes kids ask impossible questions. Where does the universe come from? What’s the meaning of life? Who actually invented Bitcoin? Most parents don’t have all the answers. Some questions have no answers, but that’s not something you tell your kiddos. With how easy it is to get online, parents have to be prepared to answer any questions.
There’s no telling what someone could stumble across while playing on their parent’s phone. Just watch out: they may invest in crypto without you knowing! Then you really gotta get those answers. It could be worse. You could be the one asking them what all that means. A few may even be able to teach us!
Just Leave Their Precious Alone!
Almost everyone on this planet has one special thing they played with all the time. It’s not just a toy. Maybe it’s a stuffed animal. Perhaps a random leaf is important to you. It doesn’t matter. We’ve all got keepsakes. As we get older they change, but those first ones always stay in our hearts. It doesn’t even matter if it’s a piece of trash. If we like it we have to keep it. Forever.
If only our parents felt the same way. They probably did when they were younger. However, once they grew up their imaginations vanished. Now that we’re old enough to be parents we kind of get it. That still doesn’t make the literal pile of trash as a “best friend” any less gross.
Is That In The Dictionary?
War, famine, and the always-present threat of the apocalypse are bad. Those things just aren’t fun. Do you know what else isn’t fun? Teenagers. They have all the attitude of a toddler but with a bit less common sense. Their sense of self is also chaotically off the charts. All that creates the perfect human that’s both angry for not fitting in while still rebellious enough to stand out.
They also have their indecipherable language. Internet speak has been around for a while. We’ve glomped. We’ve (^-^). We’ve never cheuged. What is that? Why should we care? Also, are we still cool if we’re not cheuging? Can a young person please tell us if we’re using this word correctly?
Cute, Effective, And Cheap? Awesome!
Fostering a kid’s creativity is important. When you have a supportive home that lets you practice your art then good things are definitely sure to follow. Kids are also so full of creativity it’s practically mind-blowing. What they lack in a critical eye or taste is the energy to keep creating. No matter the medium, when one of your kids wants to use you as a canvas just say yes.
It’ll save everyone from dealing with a tantrum. It’ll also change your perspective on stuff (maybe) and help your kid feel supported and loved (definitely). Just make sure they’re not using permanent markers and glue on your hair before you leave for work.
Tommy Pickles, Is That You?
If you don’t remember Rugrats then you’re too young to be reading this. BYE. Okay, are the kids gone? We have to talk about how sticky their fingers are. No, we know kids are naturally sticky. We’re talking about their weird ability to pickpocket random stuff and hide it away. You don’t realize they’ve taken something until they ask you to hold onto their pilfered goods. It could even be something you own!
Just make sure to rinse it off once you take it back. They’ll hide stuff in the weirdest of places. It’s cute when they’re little. That’s for sure. Kind of. When they’re older it just goes into creepy territory. Plus, that’s at least a misdemeanor if they take from the wrong person.
We Share Facts Here, Too
Okay, real talk, we need to talk about “me time”. Your time. No-kid time. Whatever time where it’s just you and nobody else. That’s important, regardless of whether you’re a parent or not. Parents though, wow, y’all need whole vacations from the family sometimes. Even going out for a quick night on the town with adults should be a requirement at least once or twice a month. We all know how terrible adults and other kids are. That’s a given.
However, there’s just something about fleeing from your responsibilities for a short time to get some perspective. Most of the time that perspective is: “Ugh, everyone’s still here where I left them.” That’s okay. You’re not in this alone. Even if kids and other people are horrible, they’re still your horrible people, and that makes them special.
At Least They’re Practicing Their Vocabulary
Kids insist on showing off how smart they are. To them though, they’re geniuses. That’s because everything is new to their eyes. When they learn a word they have to show it off to the world. Even at bedtime, they’ll go through the list of things they know. Why? No clue. Their poor stuffed animals are subjugated to a recital of words every night for no reason at all.
That’s cool. Learn your words, kid! Just don’t read from the dictionary every time we’re around. We love them to bits and pieces, but it shouldn’t take the recitation of the Declaration of Independence to put them to bed every night.
Never Run With Scissors Or Chocolate
Not everyone on the planet is an Olympic track and field star. We can jog pretty easily. Sprinting? No. That’s so far outside of our wheelhouse. We gave up that energy to have kids. Any parent of a toddler deserves a few gold medals. As soon as one of the little ones grabs something potentially messy or dangerous we gain superpowers.
The baby has the headstart, but we sprint after them like never before. It’s amazing how fast we can chase a toddler who’s flinging chocolate everywhere. Naturally, they’re bound to tire out. One day. Once they settle down we need a nap, too! Our knees need a couple of days’ rest as well.
It’s Pretty Complicated To Explain
Raising a child is a heroic feat. Any Avenger would be beyond jealous of what a parent can accomplish. When the chips are down some ridiculous things can happen. As long as the kids are safe, we’ll do anything. Those instincts are usually pretty good. Other times they make us do really stupid things. Whenever our friend in a club is sick we hold their hair. But if our kid is sick?
We try to catch everything. Why? WHY? It’s gotta be in case they swallowed a Lego or something. Eat enough of those and you’re bound to get sick. A bucket or toilet would probably be a smarter option. Though most people don’t walk around carrying those in case of emergencies.
Having A Rooster Is Cheaper
Some adults are morning people. That’s already a horrific crime against nature. Those traits are also passed down to some of their kids. That’s how it starts. There’s no reason why kids are so bouncy in the morning. Don’t they need sleep to grow up? That’s how plants work, kind of. No. There are children, human children, that love to just bound in at five in the morning.
This wasn’t mentioned anywhere and we feel bamboozled. There are already alarms on our phones, watches, TV, and even our walls. There’s no need to weaponize our kids against night people. Are daylight vampires a thing? That would be a great term for early risers. They suck the energy out of everyone and just go off the walls from the minute they wake up.
Probably Like Five Or Something
All kids are awesome. We feel like we need to say that. It’s true. Every child is a blessing, blah, blah, blah. But that doesn’t mean some aren’t more angelic than others. Everyone loves their kids and thinks they’re the best. If siblings are involved, then maybe there’s some favoritism at play. Not all personalities mesh well, and others push some parents’ buttons.
No family likes to advertise that. Instead, they just look on the bright side! Monty Python teaches us that and it still holds true today. It is a bit weird to think about what gossip our parents said about us. Is real life really like high school?
They’re The Worst Kind Of Superhero
Peter Parker is Spiderman. Sorry about the spoiler alert. Heads up, here’s another: just like a spider, he can stick to anything or make things sticky. This sounds made up but it must be based on real life. Spiderman is just a teenage toddler. Millions of them are crawling around right now. Whenever they set their gaze on something it becomes covered in grape juice, fruit snacks, or glitter.
They’ll also eat anything (don’t let them). It’s a horrible power to have that doesn’t make any sense. Who benefits from having everything feel like it’s part-snail? Nobody. Even if you don’t keep sticky snacks around, somehow they’ll appear in your toddler’s hands.
The Rest Of Their Lives!
Storytelling is one of the oldest and most treasured human traditions. It brings people together, unites nations, and helps establish elaborate belief systems. From an early age, we hear epic tales from our older family and community members. They change over time but always have the same message. But storytelling is an art that takes some time and practice to learn.
Looking back on some of our fanfiction causes us physical pain. Our plots were all over the place and we had no idea what a tone was. Go even further back and try to remember the first spooky story you ever told. It probably ended up just like this one. Scary? No. Accurate? Maybe.
The New Conjuring Movie Sounds Weird
Creepy shower scenes in movies are a classic horror cliche. The vulnerability is tense and anything could get ya! Whenever the demon or killer writes creepy things on the glass we always get freaked out. Becoming a parent isn’t really like a horror movie, but it does have some tense scenes. Those movie moments become a hair-raising reality.
Instead of a crazed murderer stalking our every move, we have something much scarier. There’s a small child somewhere invading your privacy for a poop joke. After a few years, it stops being creepy and you just have to accept your fate. You’ll survive, sure, but that punchline will too.
Babies Babbling About Babies
Watching your kid learn a new word is super exciting. That first word they speak is always a special moment. It shows that you’re teaching them something useful (depending on the word). Some vocab entries tend to stick easier than others. When babies learn what they’re called, they love to share it with other babies. Trust us. Grab two babies that know the word “baby”.
Now put them next to each other. Watch them babble endlessly about the other baby being more of a baby than your baby. Baby. It’s a weird law of nature that must be acknowledged. It’s gotta be some sort of baby rite of passage that we grew out of.