People Tweet the Reasons They’re Single
We have Jimmy Fallon to thank for the laughs you’re about to have. He requested that people tweet funny and embarrassing stories explaining why they’re single. We’ve collected the best ones to share with you today. From people with hard-core pet peeves to preferring their furry friends over humans, people have a variety of hilarious excuses for not tying the knot. You might find one or more of these reasons relatable. And who knows, maybe after reading this you’ll have something to add to the #whyimsingle Twitter bandwagon.
But forget about dating and romance for a moment, now is the time to have a good laugh.
Because Dreams Have Some Truth To Them, Right?
We can have wild dreams about zebras flying through a rainbow sky or driving a futuristic car to the moon. But usually, once we wake up, we realize it was a wacky concoction our imagination came up with. But Cait seems to think that dreams are closer to reality. She believes her dreams reveal the secrets of the people in her life.
So of course she takes them as truth and wreaks havoc on anyone doing her wrong. If they want to stay friends with her, they’ll have to constantly learn how to prove themself. However, if it turns out her dreams are true, she should look into becoming a professional psychic.
Because There’s Too Much To Watch
Okay, Zach Braff, you make a good point here. There are just too many good options to watch on Netflix, it’s easy to get stuck and end up binge-watching for hours if not days. You know you’ve found your perfect match when you can agree on the same shows to devote hours of your life to.
But until then, you’ll have to find the strength to pry yourself away from the tv. With all those recommendations and top-rated shows, it’s going to be hard, but we have faith in you. Who knows, you may even realize that experiencing real life is way more entertaining than just watching it.
The Scary Parentals
We all know how our parents can be overprotective sometimes. They can’t help themselves; they do it out of love. But some can be so overbearing they scare everyone away. This girl’s stepdad takes it a little too far by threatening every guy she brings home. He might need to put the brakes on that kind of introduction.
Depending on what the stepdad looks like, even a harmless kiss on the cheek might seem frightening coming from him. Until she gets a place of her own, she’s going to have to get used to guys running from fear. If a guy does end up sticking around, he’s probably lovely and would never do anything wrong.
When Dogs Are Better
Dogs are said to make great companions, and some believe they’re the only companions to have. They don’t talk back or start fights; they just want to play and love you. For Diana, the appreciation and camaraderie she gets from her furry friends are exactly what she cherishes.
Who needs a significant other when you can have doggies that will stare at you with adoring eyes and listen to every word you say? It’s too bad they don’t know how to cook and clean. Maybe one day she can train them, or at the very least, she can teach them to give her a massage.
A Bed Is A Sacred Place
We don’t understand why everyone isn’t like Darcy. Your bed is a sacred place where you peacefully rest for hours. Why would anyone want nasty germs you’ve picked up from a public bench swarming around in your sheets? There’s nothing better than jumping into your freshly made bed. The sheets are so soft and smell so good, why ruin them?
Why wouldn’t you want to make that sensation last as long as possible? If this is the reason why Darcy is single, it’s a pretty good one. Hopefully, one day she’ll find her clean Prince Charming that feels the same way. Maybe Mr. Clean is her type of man.
The Irregular Shaver
Every girl can sympathize with not wanting to shave their legs all the time. But only clearing the exposed area that takes laziness to a whole new level. If you already have the razor in your hand, why not do the entire leg? It’s definitely a way to make sure you don’t go too far with someone.
We wonder how long she goes without shaving the rest of her leg. We can only imagine her leg is super hairy with only a few smooth patches here and there. It must be a pretty funny thing to see. Her ideal partner is going to have to accept her unusual grooming habits.
Weeding Them Out With Sarcasm
For some people, sarcasm is a way of life. Every reply needs to incorporate a snarky response. Some people think it’s funny, some just ignore it, and others take offense to it. Mark must be someone who uses sarcasm regularly. His perfect match needs to be someone who can take it and also dish it.
It only makes sense for him to test out their ability to handle it. He has to make sure their skin is thick enough to take all his cynicism. If they end up wooed by his sarcastic flirting they’re definitely a keeper. We hope he finds someone with a matching sense of humor someday!
The Territorial Cat
If you have a cat, you can totally understand where D.W is coming from, especially if it’s a female cat. They can be very territorial, and they have no problem showing you and others they’re unhappy. They’ll hiss, scratch, bite and maybe even jump on you. And with those deadly razor-sharp nails, anyone would be terrified.
We feel for D.W. In the cat’s eyes, it probably doesn’t matter if the person is the sweetest in all the world, you’re in her home and she doesn’t like it. Hopefully, D.W. can find someone who absolutely adores cats, even when they’re evil. There are definitely people who love cats THAT much!
Middle School Chain Emails Predict Your Future
How can we forget some of the first emails we ever received? Chain letters would frequently make their way into our inbox; whether it was inspirational quotes, fun games, or a touching story, you would need to forward it to 10 other people. If you were unsuccessful, your luck would be compromised. And for Louise, that luck is missing in her love life.
We guess we all know now how important it is to forward those chain letters. Years later and Louise is still searching for love. She’ll either need to wait out the 10 years of bad luck or design her own chain and create a new faith for herself.
The Dangerous Sleeper
Some people walk in their sleep, and some people talk, but for Caledonia, she does something a lot worse. She gets violent. No one is safe around her, not even herself. Maybe she should consider sleeping inside one of those baby swaddles for adults, or a sleeping bag. Something that will keep her arms and legs secured.
That way, whoever sleeps next to her can feel a little more protected. We hope someday she can figure out a solution. Otherwise she and her partner can have separate beds or even separate rooms. In any case, we definitely recommend seeing a doctor about it.
Waiting For Prince Charming
Who doesn’t want a fairy tale story? Jade definitely does. She even leaves her shoes around so someone can bring them back and completely sweep her off her feet. However, that only happens in Disney movies, and last we checked none of us are living in one. For now, she’ll need to try to find love another way.
Maybe instead of hoping for her Prince Charming to magically appear, she should start looking for a regular guy. There are apps that let the ladies make the first move. She can sift through all the wrong ones until she finds Mr. Right. Then maybe she’ll become Princess Charming.
Hardcore Superhero Fan
We can definitely see why Cyn might have a tough time in the love department. You don’t usually see adults bring toys around with them, especially if they don’t have kids. It might seem a little weird if she whips out some action figures from her purse during a movie. Most people try to sneak in snacks, not a miniature Batman.
What exactly does she do with them? Does she place them on the seat next to her? We can only imagine how embarrassing that might be for her date. She should start going to MCU/DC conventions and find herself someone who would not only bring figures but also dresses up as their favorite hero.
The One Always Correcting You
We all know someone who’s a grammar fanatic and always corrects others. He can be the sweetest guy, but if he’s constantly correcting every mistake you make you might start to grow annoyed. It’ll probably make his partner want to become a pro in something and then always correct him when he’s wrong.
When it comes to texting, he needs to understand that a lot of the time, it’s the autocorrect that makes the wrong choice. People usually type in a hurry, it’s not as if they’re writing there. college thesis. A mistake here and there can be forgiven. We’re sure he’ll find someone after loosening up a bit.
Advice From A Non-Match
Oh, Brendan, we hate to admit it, but this story is pretty funny. It may not have been an actual match, but at least she gave you some advice, even if it wasn’t the nicest. We want to know if he ended up changing his photo and if so, did he start getting more matches?
If he ends up finding the perfect one, he’ll have to thank that first lady. If not, maybe he should consider taking some tips from a friend and brush up his dating profile. Apparently, his “at first sight” game isn’t working, so who knows what he’s like when you actually meet him.
Pets Are Better
Dogs probably make good listeners; it’s just too bad they can talk back to you. But that doesn’t matter to Alicia. She can speak with her dogs all day. However, that leaves no time for real people. How can she expect to meet someone if she doesn’t bother talking to them?
She should take her dogs to the park more frequently; maybe she’ll be able to find someone who’s equally obsessed with dogs. Seems like the perfect solution, plus it could mean bringing even more puppers into her life! Hopefully, they can have a normal conversation since they’re so out of touch with people.
Because You Love Food So Much
Marie, that must have been one amazing bowl of ramen. We love food too, but we’ve never gotten to that point where it ended up in our hair. At least you’re giving off signs for the kind of person you’re looking for; someone who knows how to whip up a delicious meal or someone who gets carried away with a delectable plate of food.
But next time, try to make it frosting or something a little flirtier that’s left behind on your face. Food and hair just don’t mix. If you’re too embarrassed, make sure to keep a mirror on you. That way you can check yourself after you eat.
A Bed Only Fit For A King
We all have our ways of sleeping. Some sleep on their backs, some on their stomach, and some sleep at an angle that takes up the whole bed. Well, that’s Shea, and he won’t have it any other way. He prefers to take up the entire bed rather than just one side, he simply can’t fathom the idea of sharing the mattress.
If he decides to include someone in his love life, he’ll have to invest in a huge house with a big room where he can have two large beds next to each other. Then he can have love and not sacrifice his sleeping arrangements. It’s a win-win situation.
Bad Habits Got Me Running
Everyone has their pet peeves, and for Joshua, bread crumbs contaminating his butter is a big no-no. He just can’t understand why it’s so hard to wipe the knife clean before sticking it in the container. How would you like it if some put their knife in cream cheese and then stuck it in the jam jar? That should be a felony.
If you can’t abide by Joshua’s rules, then you can’t be with him. And he’s not asking for much, just to keep all foods in their packaging separate, just as intended. If you can do that, you’ve got a chance. Even if you don’t want to date Josh, it’s a good habit to develop.
The Loud Sleeper
It’s one thing to sleep with someone who snores all night, but it’s another thing to cuddle with a soaking wet body. Sorry Kathy, you’ve got yourself a dilemma. At least there are things you can do to help with the snoring, but the night sweats, we’re not quite sure. Maybe have a fan or air conditioner on all through the night? That’s our only advice.
You need to find yourself a very deep sleeper or someone, who snores louder than you and doesn’t mind cold air. You might want to try searching in the North where they’re used to cold weather. If all else fails, you can get a waterproof sleeping bag, then no one else will get wet.
Here Comes My Lady
Emilie, don’t worry; we all get nervous sometimes and then react in silly ways. If you were at the Queen’s palace or a ball, maybe it wouldn’t have been so strange. But curtsying at a casual meeting is more than a little weird. We wonder whether the woman thought it was funny, sweet, or rude. She might’ve thought you were insulting her.
Emilie, you should uniquely greet people every time, so then when you meet someone new, your friends can explain to them that weird greetings are your shtick. Then people will start to think no matter how you greet someone new; it’ll be cute.
When You Think You’re Just So Funny
Oh, Anna, this trick has a time and a place, and we worry that you may be doing it at the wrong moments. It’s just like when people make a beak with Pringles or hang two toothpicks from their mouth. You do it to make kids laugh or to lighten up an uncomfortable moment. But at other times people might think it’s childish.
If humor is your thing, you can throw in some sarcasm and jokes occasionally. Try to keep them appropriate, though. Or just try to learn your audience and plan accordingly. Wishing you luck and hoping you’ll find someone as silly as you.
Rational VS Irrational Brain
We all have our own particular tastes in food, clothes, people and so on. But sometimes we swipe right for the wrong reasons. This guy knows who will suit him best on paper, but when it comes to looks he’s got a weakness for tattoos. The person can be totally wrong, but he goes weak at the knees at the sight of a tattoo sleeve.
There should be an app where you get the description first, and if you like what you read, you get to see the pictures. Maybe that would help him choose wisely and eventually find his one true love. Until then he’ll be hanging around the tattoo parlor.
Questionable Eating Habits
Whether it’s eating cold pizza, hot Cheetos with cream cheese, or a hamburger with peanut butter, we all have some questionable eating habits. However, we think this user takes it a little too far. At least have the decency to heat them up first! And if he thinks that’s delicious; we can only imagine what he’ll think when he eats a chef’s meal.
Considering what he prefers to eat, it probably doesn’t take much to impress him with food. Talk about a cheap date. Hopefully, he doesn’t make up for his taste with booze. He should consider taking cooking classes; they would also make for great date nights.
The Redirected Compliment
We don’t see what’s so wrong with what Katy said. She was giving both the guy and his mom a compliment. What’s so bad about that? Maybe it made him uncomfortable to think about his mom being hot, but so what? He’ll get over it. His mom will appreciate it, that’s for sure.
We can tell Katy is a cool and friendly person. She gave props to his mom without even knowing her, he should give her credit for that. But if not, maybe Katy should try not to include how the parents look while flirting or on a first date. Not everyone likes to think about their parents in that sort of way.
Creepy Is Not A Good Thing
We’re not quite sure if this Tweet meant she had been watching the girl in real life or stalking her on social media. Either way, it’s still a pretty creepy thing to say. It started as a compliment but then turned a little dark pretty quickly. We wonder what happened next.
Did the girl run away, file a restraining order, or did this user save herself by saying something else? We’re just curious. Anyhow, she should start going out to different places. That way, she won’t run into the same people and then accidentally slip up again, saying she’s been “watching” them.
The One With Strange Talents
Some people just don’t understand art and creativity. Unfortunately for JoAnn, her talents go unnoticed. This guy just couldn’t appreciate her gift of molding Babybel wax into beautiful sculptures. If you’re getting the material every time you have a yummy snack, why not make good use of it?
Maybe she should tell guys it’s a creative art project for a class you’re taking. Then people might think your creations are smart and creative instead of weird. If that doesn’t work, tell them you’re an environmentalist and you don’t like to waste anything. If they can’t appreciate art, surely they can value your love for Mother Earth.
Who Needs To Grow Up
We all have different things that tickle our funny bone, but some might find Harbani’s to be a little childish. We can’t imagine how well a burger and shake date will go once the ketchup bottle starts making fart noises. The laughter will probably roar through the restaurant, and Harbani’s date will be red with embarrassment.
Maybe he can make a loud cough while squeezing the bottle of ketchup; that way, he can cover up the flatulence sound and avoid laughing. Hopefully, that will help save any future dates from ending in an utter disaster. Or he can just stick to glass bottles or plastic packs instead.
When You’re The Funniest
Right on for being able to make yourself chuckle. Everyone should be able to laugh at themselves; however, it’s probably really hard for other people to listen to a joke if you’re laughing all the way through it. You’ll have to start writing them down and have other people tell them.
Unless you’re constantly telling jokes, we don’t see this being such an issue. Plus, most people laugh when they’re trying to tell a new and hilarious joke. So maybe you’ll find someone who does the same thing or thinks you’re cute for giggling early. We’re sure it won’t be hard. People love to laugh; it makes them feel good.
Lives Life On The Wild Side
Clearly, Kelsey has a great sense of humor. She likes to put her dates in intense situations and see how they react. Like taking them to a restaurant where people can get married and “suggest they do something crazy.” Kelsey, you need to have a secret camera and start recording these moments. You could be a bit hit on social media.
For entertainment purposes this is amazing. But for finding love, it’s probably not such a great idea. However, we’re sure you and whoever you tell will get a good laugh out of it. Unless you’re trying to find someone who will do “something crazy” with you, we suggest you keep it simple and just eat at the restaurant.
See Only The Truth
This guy needs to practice taking a compliment. For example, if you wanted to be funny, you could have responded with, “thanks, that’s exactly why I bought them, to make me look cute” or “thanks, I bought them just for the look, and apparently, it’s working”. Look at us pretending to be flirting experts here.
But no worries Will, you’ll get better at responding to compliments. So for now, maybe keep it simple and just say thanks. Anyhow, if your response is your biggest problem, then you have nothing to worry about. Impress them with your charm, and you’ll find someone sooner than you think.